Happy New Year!

Reflection

Hey y’all,

The last time I posted was in May 2024.

Update: Last summer, I understudied Is God Is by Aleasha Harris at Constellation Theatre here in DC.

Chiiiiiile… that was a learning experince.

To anyone who knows me irl this won’t come as a surprise: I have a tendency to psych myself out and go a little (okay not a little nuts).

I understudied two roles.

One came fairly easily to me.

The other?

It was a beast.

Did I mention the five-page monologue?

That thing brought me to my knees.

I was questioning my talent.

Y’all know memorizing is my kryptonite.

I worked on that thing morning. Night.

Had a friend who loved running lines with me help me with it for a few hours a day… sometimes more.

First rehearsal. Stumbled.

Second rehearsal. Complete. Panic. Attack.

I’d had one before during a rehearsal when I did Stay when I was at Adler.

In that case, the director was completely unsupportive and shamed me.

No. Sympathy.

(I know that’s not her job, but a little grace would’ve been nice.)

In this case? The assistant director spoke gently to me and told me to breathe.

Just do what you can and call line when you need it.

I still struggled but I got through it.

A few days later the assistant director called me.

I think maybe it’s best you concentrate on one part.

In other words, they were going to look for an understudy for the understudy.

I took it as a firing.

An acting pal said it was their way of supporting me.

Either way, I was devastated.

Was at one of my part-time gigs.

When I got off work I said: FUCK IT!

I went and proceeded to get drunk.

(I know: Not the healthiest response.)

Didn’t help that I went to a bar where I’m a regular and after hearing of my travails… they bought a few rounds for me.

I got that call on a Thursday. When I got home, I threw the script across the room and didn’t look at it until Tuesday.

The next rehearsal was Wednesday.

The five-page monologue loomed.

I nailed it.

I few bobbles yes, but I got most of it.

When it came time to get notes (after rehearsals the director or assistant director gives guidance on what they’d like to see, changes, adjustments…)

When it came time for me to get my notes… The cast and crew burst into applause.

Of course I cried.

What I’ve noticed is when I get to the ‘fuck it’ point: I nail it.

Gotta figure out a way to get there without having to get to that place.

That’s what my “let go” feedback was about at Adler.

Was in fear that they’d never work with me again and then they invited me in to audition for another part.

My brain tells lies.

In September, I took a body and movement writing workshop with a beloved former Adler teacher.

I’d started working on my solo show, but was stuck.

One day, during the writing portion of the class, the opening of my solo show descended upon me.

That’s what it felt like.

We had five minutes to perform/read it on the final day of classes.

Mine involved interacting with Stella Adler through YouTube clips.

I found clips of her yelling at students (they abound) and had those clips respond to my words by yelling at me.

Yeah, it’s complicated.

Buuuuuut, it’s written.

The class loved it. I got great feedback.

OMG!! Forgot to add: I did a short film that makes me SAG-AFTRA eligible!!!

I’ll post the trailer when it’s available.

Four years ago today, I drove a van packed with my things to NYC after packing up my entire DC life.

I never foresaw where that adventure would lead.

I am so very grateful for all of you.

Your messages during this fallow time have been greatly appreciated.

I don’t check Messenger very often, but if you send me a message, I’ll respond when I do check it.

I’m excited for 2025.

’Til next time

One Year Later... Another Announcement

Constellation Theatre Company

One year ago today I announced that I was joining the cast of Incendiary as an understudy at Woolly Mammoth Theatre.

Today I’m delighted to announce that I’m understudying two roles for Constellation Theatre Company’s production of Is God Is which runs from June 13th - July 14th.

Fun fact: I understudied Nehassaiu deGannes in Incendiary and one of the roles I’m understudying was originated by her!

The other was originated by Jessica Frances Dukes, someone I’ve admired for many years.

Such a full-circle moment.

I’m in such a different state of mind.

I’ve been processing a lot of what happened to me at Adler and how that influenced my experience in Incendiary.

I realized that Adler reawakened all my childhood bullying issues.

I was operating from that wounded state.

It followed me to Incendiary.

It won’t follow me to Is God Is.

I’ve had incredible epiphanies.

I’ve been gifted with some powerful insights.

My self-doubt has diminished.

I’m trusting myself more.

I’m a stronger actor than I was last year.

The broken ankle gave me much-needed time to reflect.

My growth is a result of the gift of that time.

I walk into this show with a very different outlook.

I walk into this show as a different Karyn.

Maybe not so different?

More evolved perhaps?

Whatever it is, I’m grateful for the change in a year.

Come see the show.

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Keeping Silence

A respite for the mind

FWIW: I’m culturally Catholic.

I’m a cafeteria Catholic.

I’m the one who sticks around hoping the church will progress.

A lot of my beliefs are in direct contrast to church teaching… mainly my being pro-choice. Which I also call pro-life… pro the woman’s life.

But I digress.

I find church teaching on silence to be of immense value.

In particular… on my art.

There is a long history of keeping silence, in particular in the cloistered monastics… the ones who do not come out into the world. (In contrast to active orders which include those who teach, take care of the sick, etc.)

Many of you know about my sojourns to Holy Cross Abbey in Berryville, VA.

I stay for one week and keep silence.

I chant with the monks five times a day starting at 3:30 a.m.

When I first started going, I’d get up and go to Vigils, the 3:30a chant, and them go back to my room and sleep until Lauds at 7 a.m.

By the last times I was there, I would go to Vigils and then meditate until Lauds.

The first time I did it… it stunned me.

That I could keep mental, focused silence for so long.

I haven’t been able to get back since before the pandemic.

No car, so it’s hard getting up there.

I really need a week there.

I need silence: physical, environmental, mental, emotional.

After the pandemic and Adler… I know I have a lot to process and processing in silence would be tremendous.

I recently had an epiphany.

I needed to find a place of silence in DC.

Believe it or not, churches can actually be noisy for places of silence.

Culturally Catholic… I headed to the Basilica in NE.

Its full name is: The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.

Fun fact: The shrine is the largest Catholic church building in North America, and one of the largest in the world.

I knew I’d find silence there.

When I go to the Abbey it takes about a day and a half to two days for my mind to fully slow down enough to actually experience the silence.

Would I be able to quiet my constantly racing mind at the Basilica?

There are more than 80 chapels within the Basilica.

Surely I could find silence in one of them.

The first chapel I found was near a spot where the security guards seemed to dish.

Nixed.

The second chapel had too many people going through.

Nixed.

I needed to find a chapel that was out of the way, had no throughway… was quiet.

After searching for a while I found it.

I didn’t want to be seen.

It had a nook.

There’s a fountain outside.

The sounds of water calms me.

No throughway.

It was perfect.

I set up shop.

Meditation time.

Mind started off racing; but it eventually calmed down.

Maybe it was the water?

I let my mind go blank, letting go of thoughts as they drifted through. Observing them without judgment.

Peace.

I found my place of silence a metro-ride away.

I still need a week at the Abbey.

But a day of silence worked.

Three days after I was there, I started writing blog posts.

After being a dry well, topics began to flow.

I felt inspired.

It will be a weekly pilgrimage for me.

This time I’ll take my laptop and write while I’m there.

I’ll make a beeline for my chapel.

Because silence awaits.

My little nook at the Basilica and the Basilica

Happy New Year!

In which I follow my superstitions

Happy New Year to my Karyn Krew!

Have decided to name my Facebook and email fam the Karyn Krew.

Thank you for all of your support since 2020.

We’ve been together for four years.

Y’all have been with me every step on the way… providing feedback and support and really… just reading what I write.

I am so very grateful for each one of you.

There is a superstition that whatever you’re doing at midnight on New Year’s Eve is what you’ll be doing for the rest of the year.

My grandmother told me that.

I truly believe that.

I usually spend New Year’s Eve writing.

Reflecting on the past year and looking forward to what the new year holds.

My favorite New Year’s Eve was spent at Holy Cross Abbey.

The Abbey shuts down, but my friend Michael Waugh was the guestmaster.

I contacted him and said: I have a real need to be there for New Year’s Eve. I’ll bring all of my own food, I won’t disturb anything.

He cleared it for me.

It was glorious. I spent my time there in almost total silence.

I was alone in the guesthouse chapel at midnight.

I went to the monks’ 3:30 a.m. chant.

The monks know that no one is in the guesthouse.

I noticed them come in and then they did something I’ve never seen them do: They turned and looked out at the pews when they realized I was there.

It tickled me to no end.

It is truly one of my favorite New Year’s Eves ever.

Hoping y’all had a fulfilling New Year’s Eve and wishing you a fantabulous 2024!

The guesthouse at Holy Cross Abbey in Berryville, VA

Mothering an Adult

... I thought it got easier

When Spawn was a newborn and breastfeeding constantly and I was exhausted, I remember thinking: It will get easier.

When Spawn started walking and I had to move everything so that she could be safe, I remember thinking: It will get easier.

When Spawn went to school… I remember thinking: It will get easier.

When Spawn became a teen… I did not think it would get easier.

When Spawn went to college… I remember thinking: It will get easier.

When Spawn graduated… I remember thinking: It will get easier.

Here’s the lesson I learned: Mothering is hard. Period. Full stop.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all hard.

As y’all know, Spawn brings me immense joy.

But it’s a learning curve.

I’ve had to say to Spawn: I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

We’ve had to navigate and negotiate.

When she calls in distress I’ve learned that the first thing I say to her should be: Do you want to be hugged, helped or heard?

Most of the time, my job is to listen.

Which is hard for me because I always want to help.

But the fact is… for the most part, my days of problem-solving and problem-fixing are over.

Spawn is perfectly capable of solving her own problems.

My instincts are changing.

We’re still figuring it all out: How does she want to be mothered? How to mother.

Making it up as we go along.

Surrounded by love.

One of my favorite pics of us (photo by Claire-Detrick-Jules)