I’ve been struggling with how to write about Incendiary.
(It closed on Sunday.)
Not gonna lie, I knew that I was going to disappoint my FB fam and I sooooo did not want to do that.
I’ve been avoiding writing because of that.
I’ve written three absolutely self-flagellating posts about my experience.
But here’s the thing.
I realize that those posts are part of what holds me back as an actor.
That self-flagellation does nothing to advance my art and is just my anxiety talking.
So, I wish I could tell y’all that I murdered this and absolutely knocked it out of the park.
I did not.
I had some successes and some… what my anxiety is calling failures, but I am choosing to reframe as learning opportunities.
Understudying is hard as fuck!!!!!
Can’t wait to do a show where I actually get to go through the rehearsal process.
I see why understudying is its own animal.
I had twelve hours to rehearse what the main cast had been working on all day six days a week for a month.
Combining that with blocking was my challenge.
Had been doing lines while doing other things at home: Cleaning out my fridge, unpacking items… but chiiiiiiile getting up on that stage and doing it…
There is one very complicated scene called The Gunshower. I use a handgun, Uzi, desert eagles, AK-47, shotgun, sword, flamethrower and a rocket launcher.
Pretty proud of myself for nailing all of that…
… and the workout scene.
The two scenes I was most worried about actually ended up being the ones I nailed.
I think it’s because I could integrate learning the choreography with the lines in a much more specific way.
Other parts I struggled with.
But cha know what?
That is part of learning.
Not gonna lie: Kinda terrified that my struggles mean that I’ll never work in this town again, that my name will be spread as an actor to avoid, that I’m on some sorta blacklist…
But even if all of that is true, there is someone, somewhere who will give me a chance.
So what have I learned?
Grateful to have understudying be my first gig after graduation be an understudy role. It’s so hard that it makes everything else look easy.
Perfectionism doesn’t serve my art.
Shame smothers talent.
It wasn’t a home run.
I made it to first base.
… and for my first time at bat, I’m taking that as a win.
At the end of every run Woolly Mammoth has people in the cast and creative team sign the wall. I forgot to add that I was the understudy for Tanya.