I wanted to share some lighter posts before I returned to the saga of last semester.
Buuuuuuut….
Let’s talk about school.
My work suffered because of the stress and anxiety I was feeling over the housing sitch.
I was fighting the shame monsters.
They were screaming, ‘You should be able to set this all aside and focus on your craft!!! That’s what professionals do!!!!!’
I was distracted.
Worried.
Scared.
I was plagued with self-doubt.
My anxiety was going haywire.
I didn’t realize how much until the semester was over and I was home in DC.
My memory seemed worse than ever.
The housing sitch was with me almost all the time.
Sometimes there were glimmers and I would be so transported by doing my craft that all of the turmoil would disappear.
I reached out and asked some of my teachers: How do you focus on acting when your life seems to be falling apart.
I’m still learning and wanted to know.
One teacher said to me: You’re human, these things happen in life.
Another one said: You just show up.
Still…
… it seems (as always) that I was being exceedingly hard on myself.
My grades and feedback were for the most part good.
The not-so-good feedback stung.
Buuuuuuut…
… every actor gets bad reviews at some point in their career.
I had to balance the not-so-good feedback with forgiveness for myself for not excelling and pride that I’d managed to show up and try each and every day.
Still I was faced with the fact that I probably wouldn’t be able to come back.
I started making my peace with the fact that I’d done all I could.
Each day at Adler was savoured.
Every class even more treasured.
I told a few classmates that I wouldn’t be able to graduate with them.
One burst into tears and we ended up just hugging each other.
I did two plays.
One contemporary and one Shakespeare.
I showed up.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom.
I had fun with my classmates.
I had Mildred.
She provided so much solace.
I couldn’t blog, no mental space to write.
Every part of me was devoted to surviving and just showing up….
… and I did.
I survived and went on to thrive.
It drives me absolutely nuts when my Dad says this (usually when I’m in the middle of the crisis and can’t see the forest for the trees), but it’s true:
Things have a way of working out.
Me in rehearsal for my final show at Adler
It's been an amazing journey. Thanks for sharing.